SECOND ANNUAL FEED THE FIRE

What Is Feed The Fire

Weston’s helmet at funeral service. March 2014

Feed the Fire was started in 2014 in the memory of Weston Keeton. 2014

Weston was a 7 year old boy, from TN, who was diagnosed with  congenital heart defect at 9 days old. Later he also suffered Pulmonary Hypertension. The last three years of his life was mostly spent in Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Weston was full of life and loved firemen, police, and service members. The local 22 firemen association adopted Weston and his family. Upon his death Weston was honored with a fireman’s funeral. It is our hope that you will help “Feed the Fire” by giving back to your local hero, whether they are firemen, police, EMS, service members, anyone who is your hero. We will be doing this on March 23 2015. Hope to see you there.

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”

― Desmond Tutu 

How We Did Last Year.

The first annual “Feed the Fire” was a fantastic success. I was blown away by the out pouring of support. People from around the world got together to show their support of their local fire departments. Over 100 fire stations were fed. Lots of smiles and the story of one little boy and his love of helping people was told.

The Keeton family taking breakfast to Kingsport Fire Department. March 23 2015

“How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.”

― William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

Hopes For This Year!!

This Year I would love to feed twice the number we had last year. I know we can do it. I would love to see more pictures. I would love to see people take this on as project, form teams. We are so grateful for anything you can do to help. Stay tuned for more info at our Facebook page. . Losing Weston is hard but by helping to give back to the people who reached out makes it a little easier. I am, as always in awe of the support we received and thankful for what you do.



AK 

Time With The Kids

This weekend I am getting a chance to play "stay at home dad".  This could be one of the hardest things that I have ever done. In our marriage, I have always been the one who went to work and left Julie, at home, to take care of the kids. Well, this weekend she has "R-U-N-D-O-F-T" to a well deserved mother's retreat. I am so happy that she is getting a chance to get some time off. Julie will come back recharged and reinvigorated ready to take life by the horns. Me, on the other hand, I am way beyond my depth. Sure, I have watched the kids before, I have even taken them places all on my own.  Heck, I even bring them all back (really a small miracle). On the other hand, I have never been left alone with them for this long (and boy is it getting long LOL).

Let me just tell you how things are going. It has constantly rained the whole weekend. I mean, come on, I know there is a hurricane and all but, gee, could you give a brother a break. The kids need to get out and exercise and I need some quiet.  They can only speak on two levels-so quiet that you can not hear them or at a ear piercing level that you can't ignore. Where are my ear plugs again? For those of you who may not know, we have 7 children.  That's right-seven, I am greatly out numbered (send help!!!!!). Thank you Netflix for your vast selection of movies.  Unfortunately, the kids only want to watch five different movies and you only play two of them at once on separate tv’s. The Pirate Fairy is good and all but, after twenty times, it gets a little old. 

What is that you say, surely I can wrangle this crowd of wild beasts at feeding time. Well, let me just tell you how feeding time goes.  I prepare a loving meal. Of course half of the kids will not touch it, which is good, because the other half act as though they have never eaten (watch your fingers). It is madness.  I have seen wild animals act better than this. One of the benefits of having so many kids is they can clear the table like nothing I have ever seen. They can be civil right before we eat ,you know while we are waiting for Grace to be said, but once we say Amen, it is a free for all. It is nice to see the food that you have cooked being swallowed whole, really makes the effort seem worth it.

The cherry on top of this wonderful Dad time is Sutton, my youngest son, has decided that it would be a great time to get the stomach bug. Oh My Word!!!!!! The bathroom is a war zone.  It is not safe to go in there unless you have someone posted at the door. He has been quite the little trooper about it though-not complaining more than once ever minute. I mean come on the four hotdogs you had for lunch and the six pieces of pizza you had for supper could not possibly have anything to do with your current stomach problems. Send in the Green Berets, this Dad is getting overwhelmed.

Now, there has been some good old fashioned family bonding going down as well. Oh, you two want to fight constantly, fine, go hug each other for the next hour. See how much you love each other now. I have seen two working in perfect unity, only to find out they where working together only to take out another one. I have seen a new side of my kids. They can be well organized when they want, and what they can do together is scary. It is only day two of my four day sentence but I am not sure I am going to make it. I think they smell the fear.

Ok all joking aside this is quite an adventure I have found myself in. I had thought we would go fishing, go on some walks, maybe go to the mall, and if they were extra good go to the movies-you know what they say about the plans of men.  It is amazing how different they act on the second day Mom has been gone. I can not help but love my little band of heathens.  They are sweet and loving bunch (when they want something). 

I hope you have enjoyed the pains of learning to be a "stay at home dad" the learning curve is steep. Remember as always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

This is mostly written for humorous purpose but if you don't hear from me by Tuesday send in help!!!!!!!!!!!

A Case of the I Don't Cares.

Have you ever had a bad day? How about a day where you just felt down? I have, and continue to have them lately. These days are always hard, seems as though the day will never end. I have a hard time finding my motivation. It is never easy to get rolling when you just don't seem to care what happens.

Most of the time it is the rainy days, or the winter days where I can not get outside. Lately, it has been most any day. I have been struggling to shake them. It is like being in a fog and just not caring. Do not misunderstand, I seem just fine on the outside, most people would never notice. It is almost like I can not get enough sleep. I am physically tired, my body will hurt where it normally does not. It is funny how easy it is to come up with excuses of why I do not want to do something. I am to tired, I need to do something on the Internet, or many other of the easy excuses we all use. 

So, what do you do to kick the I Don't Cares out of your life? Well, for me going for a walk outside always has been a way for me to clear my head. It is good for my soul to be outside, I do not think humans are meant to be trapped inside all the time. Another thing for me is to start and finish a project. It is always good to finish a project, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. I try to find a little project one I think I can get a quick victory and remind myself things are going to be OK. If I just can't seem to shake the I Don't Cares, then I can always spend time playing with the kids. No matter how bad I have the I Don't Cares the kids are always an instant cure. 

So what do you do when you have the I Don't Cares? Do you go for a walk? Do you call a friend? Let me know in the comments below. I find as we move into the fall to be followed by winter, it is best to remember we all get the I Don't Cares and you are not alone. If nothing else seems to work just make it to the next day with the hope of a new day and new feelings. To me the most important thing is to Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

My Son Is Dying And I Have To Go Back To Work.

Now What?

Having a child in the hospital sucks. That is the best word for it. It does not matter if it is for something not life threatening or if they are critically ill.  It just sucks. 

It is an emotional roller coaster that can take you from feeling great to the worst day of your life. It is loud, there are bright lights everywhere, and a cold and unwelcoming environment. The hospital is not meant to be a place to live. People go there to get help and that is what hospital's do very well. They help the ones they can.

Julie and I had no idea that when we left home that we would not return for three years and would not be bringing our son back. We first made the trip because Weston was having episodes, and no one in the country could tell us what they where. So, we left our home in Tennessee to search out answers at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.

Weston was in the hospital about 8 months when the company I worked for said I needed to come back to work. This was not all bad. I was getting restless, feeling useless waiting for something to work so we could take Weston home and be a family again. Also, like most families we needed the money. It is hard to live away from home with no income and pay the bills, our savings where dangerously low.

With great sorrow and the knowledge this is what needs to be done, I leave my family, including newborn daughter, behind and start back to Tennessee to work. I imagine this must have been what it was like for the men in during the great depression that had to leave their families to go find work. It is a lonely thing to be at home and your heart is 500 miles away.

One of the things Julie and I did ,that helped ease the distance between us, was we would communicate (usually texting) at least once a day.  She would give me updates and I would tell her how much I missed her. (She is my best friend after all) I would work as much as a I could to help keep my mind off of the separation. It was easier to work than to sit in an empty house, while my mind wondered if I was doing the right thing.

The days would go fast while I was at work, but the time off of work would crawl as I had time to worry. We thought about me trying to transfer to another plant site closer to Philadelphia, but we did not want to leave our home. We always wanted to have a place to come back to. Looking back, I think we made the right choice.

At first we tried to Skype but that proved to be hard for me and the kids. It was amazing though how during some of my darkest days someone, usually someone kinda random, would say something to me to help brighten my day. Those people will probably never know how their kind words helped me through my most troubled days. I would just like to thank any and everyone who ever said or thought nice things to me or my family.

It was a time of content stress, I never knew when Julie would call and say "I need you now Weston is......." I would have to drop whatever I was doing (day or night or even right after just getting home from Philadelphia) and drive to Philadelphia. Weston could go from "we don't think he is going to make it" to sitting up in bed eating flaming hot Cheetos in the time it would take me to drive the 10 hours to Philadelphia. I would get to see my family and recharge my batteries but would always need to "turn and burn" so I could get back to work to provide for the family.

Being the only one bring in money is a huge burden to carry. I did not always carry it well. I would lash out at Julie in my frustrations of trying to balance making money and being there for my family. Some nights, I would cry myself to sleep, no one knew this but me. I was hurting, I needed them they gave me strength and the distance seemed to great. The next day, I would put on my big boy pants and  face the new day. 

Luckily for me I worked around a bunch of people who understood what I was going through. They would ask how I was doing and I would always answer "I am fine" and they understood. (Here is my earlier Blog about how fine I really was.) They would listen on the rare days I would talk about what I was going through and they would pretend not to notice if a tear came down my cheek. They where a great group and helped me as much as I would allow them to. 

If you are making the choice to go back to work or stay at the hospital and risk financial ruin, I understand. This is not a choice to be made lightly. Julie and I struggled with this choice not just the first time but throughout Weston's stay in Philadelphia. We made the right choice for our family at the time. I am comforted in the thought that I did the best I could and Julie and I always tried to support each other as best we could. Being away from your family is hard, but sometime we have to wear our big boy pants and do what is best for the whole family in the long run.

If you are every faced with a decision about your family remember. It is your family. It is your life. Only you can make the right choice for your family. Do the best you can to make your choice and don't be afraid to change it if you have to. As always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Bitter Sweet Memories

Do you like to hike? I do and I love to hike with the family. I love the idea of experiencing new exciting outdoor things with the ones that are closest to me. So today we took a hike with the whole family, thats right Julie and I and all 7 children (10 down to 9 months). Crazy right, we made it, we did about a mile and half and all went pretty well. It was fun, exciting, and above all it was a memory maker.

This day makes me remember before Weston was in Philadelphia, back when I would drag him along on my hikes. Weston loved to go with me on hikes, well he loved the idea. I would always end up carrying him and he would revel in being carried. 

Father's Day one year Julie and I thought, "Hey I got a great idea" lets hike around the lake at Bays Mountain. This is about 2.3 miles and a nice scenic walk around Kingsport reservoir on a fairly nice hiking path. Easton our oldest was about 2, Weston was one and half, and Julie was pregnant with Emery. We took a stroller and all was well until we hit the trail. The trail was not, I repeat not, set up for strollers, toddlers, or pregnant angry women. This was a long, hot, and argue filled trip (I think Julie thought maybe she should divorce me just to avoid future trips like this. lol) We where able to survive and stay married so all was well.

A few years later we made a trip to Laurel Falls in Hampton, TN. This time instead of going in blind we researched the hike and learned it was and easy almost level hike except for the last 3 tenths of a mile. Three tenths of a mile how bad can that be. Well let me tell you it was horrible. We walk in and get to the last three tenth and we are looking at a decent down this large stone steps for the next three tenths. The steeps where LARGE, especially for the little kids. We made it and the kids where able to play in the water and had a great time. Then, we looked back up the steps of doom. I carried one on my back and one on my front for most of the trip back up these steps. At the the top was a large rock kinda like a table, where I promptly laid down and tried to die. By the end of this hike, we where both carrying one child or two and a nice lady we meet was carrying another. Again, Julie (my non-outdoorsy wife) had thoughts of leaving me.  I think and after that one I didn't blame her. We made great memories again and survived but just barely. 

Now ever time the family goes on a hike I have feeling of bitter sweetness. I am reminded of the times we had Weston along and even though I would have to carry him a lot he always had a great time. Oh, and today I don't think Julie wanted to divorce me, I must be getting better at picking more family friendly hikes. As a family we made many a memory on the trail, not just the hiking trail but also on the trail of life. I encourage you to always take life by the horns and go forth in life and make mistakes, get messy, and above all make memories. Never forget to Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

You Are Not The Wife I Married!

And I Love That.

I have been married almost 11 years. Just to think about that is amazing. How have I been so lucky to marry a woman who would put up with me for nearly 11 years?   Insane right? At first we where just two kids in love, with the world at our finger tips. Then, we grew up when faced with a terminally ill child.  Lately, we have been learning to love again after the death of our son Weston.

Julie and I met on her birthday. I knew from the moment I meet her I wanted to marry her. She was fun, smelled good, and looked great (also she had an it factor). I had to pursue her pretty hard but she was no match for my sweet, shy self. I was able to win her over with my dashing good looks and charm. We were happy and in love with one child and another on the way.

After our second son was born, on his ninth day birthday, we found out he had a heart defect and our lives have never been the same. But, Julie and I where able to stiffen ourselves and move past the diagnosis. We pulled together and bonded over our joint struggle to keep our son alive. It was not an easy thing to do but with her great strength I was able to do what I needed to do and support our family.

Our struggle was lost when Weston died. This was one of the worst days of my life. It sucked. Julie was there with me and I was there for her. Together we have been picking up a new struggle, the struggle to continue on even when life kicks you in the nuts. It has not been easy. We have been on the edge of divorce. We have both had bad days and good days. 

On my wedding day, I married the girl of my dreams. Little did I know, what a journey we would be going though. I am amazed everyday at Julie's strength, resolve, character, and ability to put up with me. I have heard it said many times "that behind every great man is an even greater woman". I would have to say that my take would be "beside of this man stand the greatest woman" because after everything we have been through we both stand next to each other. 

Just because life has not been nice to you does not mean you can just lay around and whine.  The woman I married nearly 11 years ago is not the woman I see everyday, and I love that. Julie has grown into the most wonderful of wife and is truly my best friend. So, if life gets you feeling down remember Hang in, Hang on, and Don't quit.

AK

Four Years Wow!

Do you know what you where doing four years ago today? I do. We were taking Weston to Philadelphia for the start of a long hard road. If I knew then what I know now, would I have started on this path?   I don't know.

Firs,t you need to know that Weston was having these episode that looked kinda like seizure, but where as we later found out Pulmonary Hypertension crises. These things where scary as heck and no one could tell us what they where or what to do about them. Finally, Julie was able to video one and send it to CHOP.  We had no idea this one video would rock our world and almost break our family up. (I guess it did for awhile but not forever)

Almost immediately we received a call saying we had to come to CHOP or they would not see us anymore. I was kinda pissed at hearing this news. I needed to work to support my family and no one else had been concerned about these episodes before so who does this person think they are. We talk to them and explained the we lived over 530 miles away and could not just come right up. (plus we did have other kids that needed to be watched)

So, on that fateful day June 1, 2011, we made the long trip to Philadelphia, where we made lots of friends and spent over 3 years of our lives. Looking back on the past is always hard. The "if only" always get in my head. I always have to tell myself you can only make a decision once then you have to live with it. I am not saying I would have changed a lot of what we did but you can't help but thing how things could have turned out different.

I guess the big thing to remember is love the ones you love today because tomorrow my never come. It sucks losing Weston but know we did the best we could help us with the pain. CHOP will always hold a special place in my heart, along with all our friend and adopted families. As I think about moving on with my life I just want to say I Love You Weston. As always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Fun With the Family

Fun With The Family

Today is Memorial Day, a day to remember the ones who gave their all for our country.  It is also a day most people spend with their family, grill out, play games, just spend time with family, etc..... On Saturday, we placed flags on the graves at our local VA hospital, with all the local Boy Scout Troops. How amazing it was to see so many youths doing a good deed and showing respect for our fallen warriors. I was so blessed to be ask to help. 

Today, we are hanging out at the house we built a fire pit. We went to Lowe's and got the parts and worked on it this afternoon. Now, as I write this we are sitting around the fire and waiting to cook hot dogs. This has been a fun weekend filled with lots of family time. In the back of my mind I am reminded that the family is not complete. We are and will always be a family incomplete. 

At the ceremony they played Taps before we placed the American Flags, this always reminds me of Weston's service. It reminds me of all the people who have gone on and all we can do is remember the ones we lost. We were able to place an American flag on my grandfather's grave as well. It was nice to be able to tell the kids stories about him and they could relate to it just a little more.

So, as you go about your Memorial Day and the following days, I hope you remember the ones who gave their all. Also spend a little time with your family, you never know when you will speak your last to the ones you love. Weston will always warm my heart and break it at the same time. If you have kids remember hold them extra tight and don't let go. Above all remember Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

It's the Small Things

It's the Small Things

Do you want to run a 5k? Of course, I would love to watch you. This is how my wife talked me into a 5k. I would have never guessed how one simple thing could bring so many smiles. First I got to see the lady and one of my great friends who also introduced Julie and me. Then, I completed my first 5k in honor of Leia my great friend. (oh by the way I just walked it but hey that's a start) We finished with a taste of barbecue.

It warms my heart to see friends and my friend Leia is a very special one. She was one of my buddies from High School. I burnt her with a car lighter and she is still my friend (on accident). She introduced Julie and I. To say Leia helped start it all, is not saying to much. She is also one of my heroes as she fights cancer and does it with style. Just being ask to walk this with her was a great honor. (oh she ran it, I know I am a wuss)

5k race? who would have thought it?  not this guy. I learned to drive and have tried to forget how to run. This was the SPF 5k to raise awareness of melanoma. I would have never guess how much fun this would have been. Julie, Kinley, and I ready ourselves not knowing what to expect. (Kinley is our baby) My goal was smile finish and not be last. Mission accomplished and under a hour. Julie and I had time to look at our great city of Kingsport and to talk. It is always a good thing when we can do something together and talk. It was hot as the sun bet down on us, trying to break our spirit, but we pushed on. At the end Julie and I finished together to the cheers of the crowd (OK maybe 10 people).

Afterwards we met up with Leia and the faster ones of our group for some photos and good times. They were having a barbecue tasting, can you say yummy. This is how we roll in my home town you do a 5k and then eat barbecue until you can not eat anymore. We where able to try ribs from lots of different places. My most favorite thing was called "atomic buffalo turd" best thing ever. It was a jalapeno with cream cheese and meat filling, wrapped in bacon and if that's not good enough it was smoked to perfection. The ribs where also mouth watering. I wish you could have been there to smell it.

I know what your thinking what does this have to do with my heart, I will tell ya just hang in there. Weston loved to do things with people to be out having fun doing new things. Weston also had a warm place in his heart for Leia. She was always a fun person to hang with. The 5k gave me some time to miss Weston in a good way and think of some good times. Seeing Leia also brought back such good memories from high school, to meeting Julie, to playing with the kids. It just all warmed my heart. Weston also loved trying new foods. A barbecue tasting would have been right up his alley. With a name like "atomic buffalo turd" I know Weston would have been smiling (I know I was).

So, today, I was reminded to take the time for life as you live it. Do not be afraid to try new things. Old friends are good for the soul. Cancer sucks but we knew that. Time with your wife is never wasted and even better if there is barbecue. I challenge you to do something this month, do something new, do something big or small, just do something and post it below and lets see what we all can do. As always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

A Bonus Mother's Day Blog

Mother's Day

This is our second Mother's day since Weston passed away. It was not easy. Easy is not a word we get to use when it comes to holidays anymore. I hope with time we will do holidays better, as for now they suck more than they are good. Please, do not think I am being unfair to the holiday. I know it is not the holidays' fault. 

Mother's day has been one of my hardest holidays. As a husband, I want to do what I can for my wife. When I see her hurting it makes me angry. In this case, my anger is at nothing I can change. I wish I could make it better, but I can see her hurt, and it hurts me. 

Today, we went to see the horses at Grayson Highlands it was fun and a good family trip. It was sad not having Weston along for the fun. I know he was there in spirit but I miss him. Julie misses him too and I could see the hurt a little more this Mother's day.

We will move on. We will not give up hope. We will not forget. These are the words that help me get through days that are a little harder than most. When I feel down I just remember that Weston is not hurting anymore. I know he is at peace. I do not have to like it (I really hate it to be honest) but I do have to live on. To all the moms out there Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

What Nurse's Taught Me

What Nurse's Taught Me

Nurses are great people. They do things most people would not do. They are there for people in the hardest moment of their lives and the best moments. Doctors would find it hard to operate without nurses, probably impossible. In honor of nurse's week I will give you five things I learned from nurses.

The one that has been with me from almost the beginning of our journey with Weston is it is OK to say no to the doctor. I know this sounds simple but before a nurse told us this we never thought to question the doctors. We used this a lot if you do not believe me just ask the crushed residents and fellows Julie and I left in our wake when they wanted to change something we did not approve of (we still became great friends with most of them). Thank you nurse's for helping us find our voices.

It is hard to bend the rules but when you can it is so worth it. Weston's nurses help us push to make Weston's life in the hospital the best it can be. I know of one nurse who had never given a child a bath, granted this was in the CICU so probably not an everyday thing, but this nurse pushed forward and made it happen. Weston was always happy to take a bath. Thank you for looking after Weston's needs.

I learned that even when things do not work out like you hoped it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved before. I know may nurses where hurt when Weston passed away. I could see it in their eyes. I could see they where hurting just like me. This love for Weston is also present now as we have stayed in touch with some of them and I can still feel the love they have for Weston and our family. How they do this and make it though each day is a testimony to a nurse's loving spirit. Thank you for loving my family.

Nurse's taught me because something looks hard does not mean you can not learn it. When we started the journey with Weston almost nine years ago I did not know much about sick children. I have learned so much since then and most of it thanks to nurses. We would go to rounds and all the doctors would talk and most of the time for me would use words I did not understand. Thanks to some wonderful nurses I learned what these words meant and why they where important to Weston. When Weston received his trach, it was nurses who help me learn what I need to do. Nurses where in the room while we grieved over the loss of Weston, just to get us what we needed or grieve with us. Thank you for all you taught us even when you did not know you where doing it.

The last example is nurses helped save my marriage. How they did this is a wonderful example of nurses going above and beyond. On the days of major surgery it is hard to remember to eat and take the time to take care of yourself. Who is there telling you "you need to go eat" your nurse. Who is there to tell you "it is OK go and try and sleep we will call you if anything changes" your nurse. The nurses would tell us we need to go and be with each other. One nurse told us "we are the most expense childcare you can have" boy was she right. They where also the best. The nurse would always encourage us to use the hospital services so we could talk to someone. Thank you for taking care of my wife.

Nurses are wonderful people they do a job most people could not do. They are your child's best friend and will even help answer some of life's hard questions. They get yelled at by doctors, other nurses, hospital staff, and even parents, do they complain, no they do their job. They are there to help pick you up when you are having a bad day. They can help find new places to eat, lets face it the hospital cafeteria can only be eaten so many times. Nurses to me are the unsung heroes of the medical field they are often forgotten, not by me. Thank you to every nurse who has ever been there for my family and me. Thank you, your support was and is greatly appreciated. So as always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Marriage

Marriage

How do you guys stay married after all you have gone though? Tough question, right?  This is a question that I have received. How do you answer such a question? This is not an easy question. One of my favorite answers is, I don't know. I will give you a glimpse into my marriage and maybe this can help answer the question.

The early years wh\ere crazy we lived with both of my Julie's sisters (bad move for a good marriage or maybe not). We had guardianship of her youngest sister. Two twenty-two year olds trying to raise a teenager-talk about hard on a marriage.  We had two kids, one was Weston who we found out had a heart problem at nine days old. It was stressful but always entertaining. We survived and moved out on our own after her sister turned eighteen. It was not easy but we made the best of it.

Our next big challenge was the illness that was a severe congenital heart defect and pulmonary Hypertension. Wow, talk about getting kick where it hurts. 50% of marriage end right there with the diagnosis. Each surgery would also take 50% of those left, but we hung in there. We fought and yelled. We laughed and we cried. We talked about divorce a lot but never did we go through with it. What would I do if I lost my best friend, how would I make it though life without her? We made it during our stays at Duke and our eventually move to CHOP.

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia-talk about an impressive place. Three years, Julie called CHOP and the surrounding area home. I stayed as long as I could, but like most couple had to go back home and work to keep our insurance and pay bills. Separation kills a lot of marriages with each month killing more couples. We would talk each night on the phone, but this was not the same as sleeping next to each other. This was some of our darkest times for our marriage. I was lonely and sad. We would talk about divorce, divorce was on my mind. How much easier it would have been for me just to walk away. I would have thoughts of moving far away and forgetting my family to start over in a new place. In my heart, I knew these thoughts would not give me what I wanted. It was just fantasy.

Now, we face our toughest challenge yet, the death of our child and moving back together. Losing Weston was almost too much, it nearly ended it all. Then, on top of this you add moving a stranger back into your daily life. It was hard three years mostly apart is not great for a marriage. When Julie moved back, I would think to myself, this is my stuff stop touching it. We have moved on from this, but sometimes in the back of my mind I can still feel those thoughts, who are you and what are you doing in my house? 

One thing that I think helps us is we are not afraid to fight, we get our feelings out there. We also talk to each other, this is very important for us. Our dreams and hopes are shared. My love for my wife is always growing. She does something everyday that makes me fall in love with her more each day. We truly are best friends. 

Why has my marriage survived this long? How do we do it?  I still don't know, maybe we are just to lazy to getting divorced that seems like a lot of work. I think marriage takes time and work. There is not one path to staying married you must fine your own path. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. So remember Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

I Am Fine (Not Really) And That's O.K.

I Am Fine (Not Really)

And That's O.K.

How are you guys doing? That is a question I have heard a lot, and of course the standard answer is "I am good, thank you". This is just what you tell people. This is what you tell yourself. Is it true well that depends. It depends on the day, the hour, and even the minute sometimes. 

I always tried to take the British way of thinking when it came to how I felt. You know "you must keep a stiff upper lip". I always strived for a stoic outward appearance even on the tough days. I would always tell you I was fine, even on the worst of days. I guess I just wanted to be the rock for my family and those around me.

Today, for the first time I am willing to tell the word I was lying. Sorry, it is true I was not fine, I was not O.K. I was hurting and it is not until now that I look back that I realize how much. I was angry. Angry that I must be apart from my family. Angry my child was sick (What did he ever do to anyone). Angry I could not always keep up with what the doctors where trying to tell us. 

I was sad. I had a bad case of the why me. I missed being home with my family. I missed doing normal things. I was sad it was a nice day but it was only me here at home to do anything. I was sad on rainy days because I had no one to watch TV with. I was sad because my best friend and soul mate was miles away. I was sad I had no power to change a single thing about my situation.

There was one feeling, and I am not sure how to describe it, that gave me strength. It was the most powerful of all of my emotions. It is the one thing that probably saved my life. This one was the reason I would get up everyday and lie to myself and everyone who would ask and say "I am fine" even when I did not feel it. This one feeling was and is.....................HOPE..................

The hope that one day this would all be over. The hope my child would be the one who against all odds would be the one in whatever to make it. The hope my family would be whole one day. To hope is the greatest feeling in the world. Some days I would find hope in the strangest of places. A friendly hello, a random smile, or just a wave from a stranger. 

After all these years I have finally realized that through it all it was hope that pulled me through. I have also learned that it is O.K. not to be fine. It is O.K. to be angry, sad, heart broken, confused, or whatever. The most important thing to remember is to never give up Hope. Let hope bring you through the worst of times. 

If you ask me today How I am doing? I will smile at you and tell you I am fine. If you have read this then you will know exactly what I mean. I may or may not be fine at that moment, but I will remain hopeful. I will always be hopeful. That is why I say Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

The Long Road To Philly

The Long Road To Philly

550 miles from the house to the Children Hospital of Philadelphia-I have driven this route many times. I have left the house early, mid morning, afternoon, and late at night. Each time has been a different trip. I have rode the bus, took a plane, and most often driven myself. I have learned many things on the road to Philly. 

The trip up to Philly lends itself to many things patience, time to think, time to cry or vent, time to get yourself together. Ten hours was my average travel time, this was a blessing and a curse. Some trips it was all I could do not to drive super fast. Other times I wish I had more time to collect my thoughts, one of the hardest things about have a very sick boy is taking time to think is not easy.

I think it is good to take time for reflection. It helps me greatly to take time alone to just be, not thinking on anything just for letting my mind go. A long car trip is perfect for this. I was able to yell, cry, beg, plead, sing, be silly or whatever I needed to do at the time. This time for me was just what I needed so I could be the supportive husband and dad that I needed to be.

On one trip back from the hospital I ran into a snow storm. I knew it was coming and was trying to beat it back home so I could go back to work. I was driving the Buick and the Buick was not the best choice for the snow. I stopped at a rest area just to enjoy the sight of these huge snow flakes falling. It was a wonderful sight, nature at one of her best times. I started back down the interstate and realize I may not make it. Lucky for me an angel in the form of an eighteen wheeler was sent my way and as the big rig made his way south so did I.

Philadelphia has been so very good to the Keeton family. I can not thank Philly enough and all the people back home and around the world who has helped my family you guys are our secret weapons. Without your help and support we would not have been able to do what we did. Thank you to everyone.

Now it is time for your challenge. What do you want to read about next. I need comments. I need lots of people to read this so please share, but also throw me a comment below. So until next time Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Why I Decided to Speak Up.

Why I Decided to Speak Up.

This will be my first official post. Why have I decided to speak up? Why now? First I needed to grieve, and I could not do that publicly. I also needed for my family and me to get back into the groove of being a family. The final reason has been I just feel that Dads get left out of the whole sick kid thing.

We lost our son when he was seven-after seven years of struggles. My wife and I lived apart for three years. I had to return home to work and she stayed to care for our son. Our other kids, we have eight, yes eight, total had to be bounced around between family and friends. It was a crazy life but it was our life.

So, for just over a year now we have been getting our act together and learning to live as a family again. This and dealing with the loss of a child. We have been blessed to have a local church that has an Awana program that has allowed my wife and I time to spend on dates. We have been married almost 11 years now and these dates have saved our marriage.

I am not sure what you know about heart kids but they are great. Their courage and grit is amazing. The stuff they endure is beyond image. Heart Moms, oh look out if you ever cross one, they are a fiery breed. They will fight the world most know doctors to get their kids the treatment they need. Then, you have the siblings, they are a tough bunch too. The Dads to me are the forgotten ones. Which, lets face it, sometimes us dads can't handle it and walk away or whatever. For the ones who are there or at least there in sprit, I salute you. You go and fight just as hard and are kind of left out.

That is why I am doing this-to give a voice to Heart Dads everywhere. Just to let you know, hey I have been there and you are doing just fine. I want to give others a place to come and know you are not alone. Heart Dads are out there.  So until next time Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK