I Am Fine (Not Really) And That's O.K.

I Am Fine (Not Really)

And That's O.K.

How are you guys doing? That is a question I have heard a lot, and of course the standard answer is "I am good, thank you". This is just what you tell people. This is what you tell yourself. Is it true well that depends. It depends on the day, the hour, and even the minute sometimes. 

I always tried to take the British way of thinking when it came to how I felt. You know "you must keep a stiff upper lip". I always strived for a stoic outward appearance even on the tough days. I would always tell you I was fine, even on the worst of days. I guess I just wanted to be the rock for my family and those around me.

Today, for the first time I am willing to tell the word I was lying. Sorry, it is true I was not fine, I was not O.K. I was hurting and it is not until now that I look back that I realize how much. I was angry. Angry that I must be apart from my family. Angry my child was sick (What did he ever do to anyone). Angry I could not always keep up with what the doctors where trying to tell us. 

I was sad. I had a bad case of the why me. I missed being home with my family. I missed doing normal things. I was sad it was a nice day but it was only me here at home to do anything. I was sad on rainy days because I had no one to watch TV with. I was sad because my best friend and soul mate was miles away. I was sad I had no power to change a single thing about my situation.

There was one feeling, and I am not sure how to describe it, that gave me strength. It was the most powerful of all of my emotions. It is the one thing that probably saved my life. This one was the reason I would get up everyday and lie to myself and everyone who would ask and say "I am fine" even when I did not feel it. This one feeling was and is.....................HOPE..................

The hope that one day this would all be over. The hope my child would be the one who against all odds would be the one in whatever to make it. The hope my family would be whole one day. To hope is the greatest feeling in the world. Some days I would find hope in the strangest of places. A friendly hello, a random smile, or just a wave from a stranger. 

After all these years I have finally realized that through it all it was hope that pulled me through. I have also learned that it is O.K. not to be fine. It is O.K. to be angry, sad, heart broken, confused, or whatever. The most important thing to remember is to never give up Hope. Let hope bring you through the worst of times. 

If you ask me today How I am doing? I will smile at you and tell you I am fine. If you have read this then you will know exactly what I mean. I may or may not be fine at that moment, but I will remain hopeful. I will always be hopeful. That is why I say Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

The Long Road To Philly

The Long Road To Philly

550 miles from the house to the Children Hospital of Philadelphia-I have driven this route many times. I have left the house early, mid morning, afternoon, and late at night. Each time has been a different trip. I have rode the bus, took a plane, and most often driven myself. I have learned many things on the road to Philly. 

The trip up to Philly lends itself to many things patience, time to think, time to cry or vent, time to get yourself together. Ten hours was my average travel time, this was a blessing and a curse. Some trips it was all I could do not to drive super fast. Other times I wish I had more time to collect my thoughts, one of the hardest things about have a very sick boy is taking time to think is not easy.

I think it is good to take time for reflection. It helps me greatly to take time alone to just be, not thinking on anything just for letting my mind go. A long car trip is perfect for this. I was able to yell, cry, beg, plead, sing, be silly or whatever I needed to do at the time. This time for me was just what I needed so I could be the supportive husband and dad that I needed to be.

On one trip back from the hospital I ran into a snow storm. I knew it was coming and was trying to beat it back home so I could go back to work. I was driving the Buick and the Buick was not the best choice for the snow. I stopped at a rest area just to enjoy the sight of these huge snow flakes falling. It was a wonderful sight, nature at one of her best times. I started back down the interstate and realize I may not make it. Lucky for me an angel in the form of an eighteen wheeler was sent my way and as the big rig made his way south so did I.

Philadelphia has been so very good to the Keeton family. I can not thank Philly enough and all the people back home and around the world who has helped my family you guys are our secret weapons. Without your help and support we would not have been able to do what we did. Thank you to everyone.

Now it is time for your challenge. What do you want to read about next. I need comments. I need lots of people to read this so please share, but also throw me a comment below. So until next time Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Why I Decided to Speak Up.

Why I Decided to Speak Up.

This will be my first official post. Why have I decided to speak up? Why now? First I needed to grieve, and I could not do that publicly. I also needed for my family and me to get back into the groove of being a family. The final reason has been I just feel that Dads get left out of the whole sick kid thing.

We lost our son when he was seven-after seven years of struggles. My wife and I lived apart for three years. I had to return home to work and she stayed to care for our son. Our other kids, we have eight, yes eight, total had to be bounced around between family and friends. It was a crazy life but it was our life.

So, for just over a year now we have been getting our act together and learning to live as a family again. This and dealing with the loss of a child. We have been blessed to have a local church that has an Awana program that has allowed my wife and I time to spend on dates. We have been married almost 11 years now and these dates have saved our marriage.

I am not sure what you know about heart kids but they are great. Their courage and grit is amazing. The stuff they endure is beyond image. Heart Moms, oh look out if you ever cross one, they are a fiery breed. They will fight the world most know doctors to get their kids the treatment they need. Then, you have the siblings, they are a tough bunch too. The Dads to me are the forgotten ones. Which, lets face it, sometimes us dads can't handle it and walk away or whatever. For the ones who are there or at least there in sprit, I salute you. You go and fight just as hard and are kind of left out.

That is why I am doing this-to give a voice to Heart Dads everywhere. Just to let you know, hey I have been there and you are doing just fine. I want to give others a place to come and know you are not alone. Heart Dads are out there.  So until next time Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK