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Now What?
Having a child in the hospital sucks. That is the best word for it. It does not matter if it is for something not life threatening or if they are critically ill. It just sucks.
It is an emotional roller coaster that can take you from feeling great to the worst day of your life. It is loud, there are bright lights everywhere, and a cold and unwelcoming environment. The hospital is not meant to be a place to live. People go there to get help and that is what hospital's do very well. They help the ones they can.
Julie and I had no idea that when we left home that we would not return for three years and would not be bringing our son back. We first made the trip because Weston was having episodes, and no one in the country could tell us what they where. So, we left our home in Tennessee to search out answers at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
Weston was in the hospital about 8 months when the company I worked for said I needed to come back to work. This was not all bad. I was getting restless, feeling useless waiting for something to work so we could take Weston home and be a family again. Also, like most families we needed the money. It is hard to live away from home with no income and pay the bills, our savings where dangerously low.
With great sorrow and the knowledge this is what needs to be done, I leave my family, including newborn daughter, behind and start back to Tennessee to work. I imagine this must have been what it was like for the men in during the great depression that had to leave their families to go find work. It is a lonely thing to be at home and your heart is 500 miles away.
One of the things Julie and I did ,that helped ease the distance between us, was we would communicate (usually texting) at least once a day. She would give me updates and I would tell her how much I missed her. (She is my best friend after all) I would work as much as a I could to help keep my mind off of the separation. It was easier to work than to sit in an empty house, while my mind wondered if I was doing the right thing.
The days would go fast while I was at work, but the time off of work would crawl as I had time to worry. We thought about me trying to transfer to another plant site closer to Philadelphia, but we did not want to leave our home. We always wanted to have a place to come back to. Looking back, I think we made the right choice.
At first we tried to Skype but that proved to be hard for me and the kids. It was amazing though how during some of my darkest days someone, usually someone kinda random, would say something to me to help brighten my day. Those people will probably never know how their kind words helped me through my most troubled days. I would just like to thank any and everyone who ever said or thought nice things to me or my family.
It was a time of content stress, I never knew when Julie would call and say "I need you now Weston is......." I would have to drop whatever I was doing (day or night or even right after just getting home from Philadelphia) and drive to Philadelphia. Weston could go from "we don't think he is going to make it" to sitting up in bed eating flaming hot Cheetos in the time it would take me to drive the 10 hours to Philadelphia. I would get to see my family and recharge my batteries but would always need to "turn and burn" so I could get back to work to provide for the family.
Being the only one bring in money is a huge burden to carry. I did not always carry it well. I would lash out at Julie in my frustrations of trying to balance making money and being there for my family. Some nights, I would cry myself to sleep, no one knew this but me. I was hurting, I needed them they gave me strength and the distance seemed to great. The next day, I would put on my big boy pants and face the new day.
Luckily for me I worked around a bunch of people who understood what I was going through. They would ask how I was doing and I would always answer "I am fine" and they understood. (Here is my earlier Blog about how fine I really was.) They would listen on the rare days I would talk about what I was going through and they would pretend not to notice if a tear came down my cheek. They where a great group and helped me as much as I would allow them to.
If you are making the choice to go back to work or stay at the hospital and risk financial ruin, I understand. This is not a choice to be made lightly. Julie and I struggled with this choice not just the first time but throughout Weston's stay in Philadelphia. We made the right choice for our family at the time. I am comforted in the thought that I did the best I could and Julie and I always tried to support each other as best we could. Being away from your family is hard, but sometime we have to wear our big boy pants and do what is best for the whole family in the long run.
If you are every faced with a decision about your family remember. It is your family. It is your life. Only you can make the right choice for your family. Do the best you can to make your choice and don't be afraid to change it if you have to. As always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.
AK
