I Am Fine (Not Really) And That's O.K.

I Am Fine (Not Really)

And That's O.K.

How are you guys doing? That is a question I have heard a lot, and of course the standard answer is "I am good, thank you". This is just what you tell people. This is what you tell yourself. Is it true well that depends. It depends on the day, the hour, and even the minute sometimes. 

I always tried to take the British way of thinking when it came to how I felt. You know "you must keep a stiff upper lip". I always strived for a stoic outward appearance even on the tough days. I would always tell you I was fine, even on the worst of days. I guess I just wanted to be the rock for my family and those around me.

Today, for the first time I am willing to tell the word I was lying. Sorry, it is true I was not fine, I was not O.K. I was hurting and it is not until now that I look back that I realize how much. I was angry. Angry that I must be apart from my family. Angry my child was sick (What did he ever do to anyone). Angry I could not always keep up with what the doctors where trying to tell us. 

I was sad. I had a bad case of the why me. I missed being home with my family. I missed doing normal things. I was sad it was a nice day but it was only me here at home to do anything. I was sad on rainy days because I had no one to watch TV with. I was sad because my best friend and soul mate was miles away. I was sad I had no power to change a single thing about my situation.

There was one feeling, and I am not sure how to describe it, that gave me strength. It was the most powerful of all of my emotions. It is the one thing that probably saved my life. This one was the reason I would get up everyday and lie to myself and everyone who would ask and say "I am fine" even when I did not feel it. This one feeling was and is.....................HOPE..................

The hope that one day this would all be over. The hope my child would be the one who against all odds would be the one in whatever to make it. The hope my family would be whole one day. To hope is the greatest feeling in the world. Some days I would find hope in the strangest of places. A friendly hello, a random smile, or just a wave from a stranger. 

After all these years I have finally realized that through it all it was hope that pulled me through. I have also learned that it is O.K. not to be fine. It is O.K. to be angry, sad, heart broken, confused, or whatever. The most important thing to remember is to never give up Hope. Let hope bring you through the worst of times. 

If you ask me today How I am doing? I will smile at you and tell you I am fine. If you have read this then you will know exactly what I mean. I may or may not be fine at that moment, but I will remain hopeful. I will always be hopeful. That is why I say Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK