Time With The Kids

This weekend I am getting a chance to play "stay at home dad".  This could be one of the hardest things that I have ever done. In our marriage, I have always been the one who went to work and left Julie, at home, to take care of the kids. Well, this weekend she has "R-U-N-D-O-F-T" to a well deserved mother's retreat. I am so happy that she is getting a chance to get some time off. Julie will come back recharged and reinvigorated ready to take life by the horns. Me, on the other hand, I am way beyond my depth. Sure, I have watched the kids before, I have even taken them places all on my own.  Heck, I even bring them all back (really a small miracle). On the other hand, I have never been left alone with them for this long (and boy is it getting long LOL).

Let me just tell you how things are going. It has constantly rained the whole weekend. I mean, come on, I know there is a hurricane and all but, gee, could you give a brother a break. The kids need to get out and exercise and I need some quiet.  They can only speak on two levels-so quiet that you can not hear them or at a ear piercing level that you can't ignore. Where are my ear plugs again? For those of you who may not know, we have 7 children.  That's right-seven, I am greatly out numbered (send help!!!!!). Thank you Netflix for your vast selection of movies.  Unfortunately, the kids only want to watch five different movies and you only play two of them at once on separate tv’s. The Pirate Fairy is good and all but, after twenty times, it gets a little old. 

What is that you say, surely I can wrangle this crowd of wild beasts at feeding time. Well, let me just tell you how feeding time goes.  I prepare a loving meal. Of course half of the kids will not touch it, which is good, because the other half act as though they have never eaten (watch your fingers). It is madness.  I have seen wild animals act better than this. One of the benefits of having so many kids is they can clear the table like nothing I have ever seen. They can be civil right before we eat ,you know while we are waiting for Grace to be said, but once we say Amen, it is a free for all. It is nice to see the food that you have cooked being swallowed whole, really makes the effort seem worth it.

The cherry on top of this wonderful Dad time is Sutton, my youngest son, has decided that it would be a great time to get the stomach bug. Oh My Word!!!!!! The bathroom is a war zone.  It is not safe to go in there unless you have someone posted at the door. He has been quite the little trooper about it though-not complaining more than once ever minute. I mean come on the four hotdogs you had for lunch and the six pieces of pizza you had for supper could not possibly have anything to do with your current stomach problems. Send in the Green Berets, this Dad is getting overwhelmed.

Now, there has been some good old fashioned family bonding going down as well. Oh, you two want to fight constantly, fine, go hug each other for the next hour. See how much you love each other now. I have seen two working in perfect unity, only to find out they where working together only to take out another one. I have seen a new side of my kids. They can be well organized when they want, and what they can do together is scary. It is only day two of my four day sentence but I am not sure I am going to make it. I think they smell the fear.

Ok all joking aside this is quite an adventure I have found myself in. I had thought we would go fishing, go on some walks, maybe go to the mall, and if they were extra good go to the movies-you know what they say about the plans of men.  It is amazing how different they act on the second day Mom has been gone. I can not help but love my little band of heathens.  They are sweet and loving bunch (when they want something). 

I hope you have enjoyed the pains of learning to be a "stay at home dad" the learning curve is steep. Remember as always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

This is mostly written for humorous purpose but if you don't hear from me by Tuesday send in help!!!!!!!!!!!

A Case of the I Don't Cares.

Have you ever had a bad day? How about a day where you just felt down? I have, and continue to have them lately. These days are always hard, seems as though the day will never end. I have a hard time finding my motivation. It is never easy to get rolling when you just don't seem to care what happens.

Most of the time it is the rainy days, or the winter days where I can not get outside. Lately, it has been most any day. I have been struggling to shake them. It is like being in a fog and just not caring. Do not misunderstand, I seem just fine on the outside, most people would never notice. It is almost like I can not get enough sleep. I am physically tired, my body will hurt where it normally does not. It is funny how easy it is to come up with excuses of why I do not want to do something. I am to tired, I need to do something on the Internet, or many other of the easy excuses we all use. 

So, what do you do to kick the I Don't Cares out of your life? Well, for me going for a walk outside always has been a way for me to clear my head. It is good for my soul to be outside, I do not think humans are meant to be trapped inside all the time. Another thing for me is to start and finish a project. It is always good to finish a project, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. I try to find a little project one I think I can get a quick victory and remind myself things are going to be OK. If I just can't seem to shake the I Don't Cares, then I can always spend time playing with the kids. No matter how bad I have the I Don't Cares the kids are always an instant cure. 

So what do you do when you have the I Don't Cares? Do you go for a walk? Do you call a friend? Let me know in the comments below. I find as we move into the fall to be followed by winter, it is best to remember we all get the I Don't Cares and you are not alone. If nothing else seems to work just make it to the next day with the hope of a new day and new feelings. To me the most important thing is to Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

My Son Is Dying And I Have To Go Back To Work.

Now What?

Having a child in the hospital sucks. That is the best word for it. It does not matter if it is for something not life threatening or if they are critically ill.  It just sucks. 

It is an emotional roller coaster that can take you from feeling great to the worst day of your life. It is loud, there are bright lights everywhere, and a cold and unwelcoming environment. The hospital is not meant to be a place to live. People go there to get help and that is what hospital's do very well. They help the ones they can.

Julie and I had no idea that when we left home that we would not return for three years and would not be bringing our son back. We first made the trip because Weston was having episodes, and no one in the country could tell us what they where. So, we left our home in Tennessee to search out answers at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.

Weston was in the hospital about 8 months when the company I worked for said I needed to come back to work. This was not all bad. I was getting restless, feeling useless waiting for something to work so we could take Weston home and be a family again. Also, like most families we needed the money. It is hard to live away from home with no income and pay the bills, our savings where dangerously low.

With great sorrow and the knowledge this is what needs to be done, I leave my family, including newborn daughter, behind and start back to Tennessee to work. I imagine this must have been what it was like for the men in during the great depression that had to leave their families to go find work. It is a lonely thing to be at home and your heart is 500 miles away.

One of the things Julie and I did ,that helped ease the distance between us, was we would communicate (usually texting) at least once a day.  She would give me updates and I would tell her how much I missed her. (She is my best friend after all) I would work as much as a I could to help keep my mind off of the separation. It was easier to work than to sit in an empty house, while my mind wondered if I was doing the right thing.

The days would go fast while I was at work, but the time off of work would crawl as I had time to worry. We thought about me trying to transfer to another plant site closer to Philadelphia, but we did not want to leave our home. We always wanted to have a place to come back to. Looking back, I think we made the right choice.

At first we tried to Skype but that proved to be hard for me and the kids. It was amazing though how during some of my darkest days someone, usually someone kinda random, would say something to me to help brighten my day. Those people will probably never know how their kind words helped me through my most troubled days. I would just like to thank any and everyone who ever said or thought nice things to me or my family.

It was a time of content stress, I never knew when Julie would call and say "I need you now Weston is......." I would have to drop whatever I was doing (day or night or even right after just getting home from Philadelphia) and drive to Philadelphia. Weston could go from "we don't think he is going to make it" to sitting up in bed eating flaming hot Cheetos in the time it would take me to drive the 10 hours to Philadelphia. I would get to see my family and recharge my batteries but would always need to "turn and burn" so I could get back to work to provide for the family.

Being the only one bring in money is a huge burden to carry. I did not always carry it well. I would lash out at Julie in my frustrations of trying to balance making money and being there for my family. Some nights, I would cry myself to sleep, no one knew this but me. I was hurting, I needed them they gave me strength and the distance seemed to great. The next day, I would put on my big boy pants and  face the new day. 

Luckily for me I worked around a bunch of people who understood what I was going through. They would ask how I was doing and I would always answer "I am fine" and they understood. (Here is my earlier Blog about how fine I really was.) They would listen on the rare days I would talk about what I was going through and they would pretend not to notice if a tear came down my cheek. They where a great group and helped me as much as I would allow them to. 

If you are making the choice to go back to work or stay at the hospital and risk financial ruin, I understand. This is not a choice to be made lightly. Julie and I struggled with this choice not just the first time but throughout Weston's stay in Philadelphia. We made the right choice for our family at the time. I am comforted in the thought that I did the best I could and Julie and I always tried to support each other as best we could. Being away from your family is hard, but sometime we have to wear our big boy pants and do what is best for the whole family in the long run.

If you are every faced with a decision about your family remember. It is your family. It is your life. Only you can make the right choice for your family. Do the best you can to make your choice and don't be afraid to change it if you have to. As always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Bitter Sweet Memories

Do you like to hike? I do and I love to hike with the family. I love the idea of experiencing new exciting outdoor things with the ones that are closest to me. So today we took a hike with the whole family, thats right Julie and I and all 7 children (10 down to 9 months). Crazy right, we made it, we did about a mile and half and all went pretty well. It was fun, exciting, and above all it was a memory maker.

This day makes me remember before Weston was in Philadelphia, back when I would drag him along on my hikes. Weston loved to go with me on hikes, well he loved the idea. I would always end up carrying him and he would revel in being carried. 

Father's Day one year Julie and I thought, "Hey I got a great idea" lets hike around the lake at Bays Mountain. This is about 2.3 miles and a nice scenic walk around Kingsport reservoir on a fairly nice hiking path. Easton our oldest was about 2, Weston was one and half, and Julie was pregnant with Emery. We took a stroller and all was well until we hit the trail. The trail was not, I repeat not, set up for strollers, toddlers, or pregnant angry women. This was a long, hot, and argue filled trip (I think Julie thought maybe she should divorce me just to avoid future trips like this. lol) We where able to survive and stay married so all was well.

A few years later we made a trip to Laurel Falls in Hampton, TN. This time instead of going in blind we researched the hike and learned it was and easy almost level hike except for the last 3 tenths of a mile. Three tenths of a mile how bad can that be. Well let me tell you it was horrible. We walk in and get to the last three tenth and we are looking at a decent down this large stone steps for the next three tenths. The steeps where LARGE, especially for the little kids. We made it and the kids where able to play in the water and had a great time. Then, we looked back up the steps of doom. I carried one on my back and one on my front for most of the trip back up these steps. At the the top was a large rock kinda like a table, where I promptly laid down and tried to die. By the end of this hike, we where both carrying one child or two and a nice lady we meet was carrying another. Again, Julie (my non-outdoorsy wife) had thoughts of leaving me.  I think and after that one I didn't blame her. We made great memories again and survived but just barely. 

Now ever time the family goes on a hike I have feeling of bitter sweetness. I am reminded of the times we had Weston along and even though I would have to carry him a lot he always had a great time. Oh, and today I don't think Julie wanted to divorce me, I must be getting better at picking more family friendly hikes. As a family we made many a memory on the trail, not just the hiking trail but also on the trail of life. I encourage you to always take life by the horns and go forth in life and make mistakes, get messy, and above all make memories. Never forget to Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

You Are Not The Wife I Married!

And I Love That.

I have been married almost 11 years. Just to think about that is amazing. How have I been so lucky to marry a woman who would put up with me for nearly 11 years?   Insane right? At first we where just two kids in love, with the world at our finger tips. Then, we grew up when faced with a terminally ill child.  Lately, we have been learning to love again after the death of our son Weston.

Julie and I met on her birthday. I knew from the moment I meet her I wanted to marry her. She was fun, smelled good, and looked great (also she had an it factor). I had to pursue her pretty hard but she was no match for my sweet, shy self. I was able to win her over with my dashing good looks and charm. We were happy and in love with one child and another on the way.

After our second son was born, on his ninth day birthday, we found out he had a heart defect and our lives have never been the same. But, Julie and I where able to stiffen ourselves and move past the diagnosis. We pulled together and bonded over our joint struggle to keep our son alive. It was not an easy thing to do but with her great strength I was able to do what I needed to do and support our family.

Our struggle was lost when Weston died. This was one of the worst days of my life. It sucked. Julie was there with me and I was there for her. Together we have been picking up a new struggle, the struggle to continue on even when life kicks you in the nuts. It has not been easy. We have been on the edge of divorce. We have both had bad days and good days. 

On my wedding day, I married the girl of my dreams. Little did I know, what a journey we would be going though. I am amazed everyday at Julie's strength, resolve, character, and ability to put up with me. I have heard it said many times "that behind every great man is an even greater woman". I would have to say that my take would be "beside of this man stand the greatest woman" because after everything we have been through we both stand next to each other. 

Just because life has not been nice to you does not mean you can just lay around and whine.  The woman I married nearly 11 years ago is not the woman I see everyday, and I love that. Julie has grown into the most wonderful of wife and is truly my best friend. So, if life gets you feeling down remember Hang in, Hang on, and Don't quit.

AK

Four Years Wow!

Do you know what you where doing four years ago today? I do. We were taking Weston to Philadelphia for the start of a long hard road. If I knew then what I know now, would I have started on this path?   I don't know.

Firs,t you need to know that Weston was having these episode that looked kinda like seizure, but where as we later found out Pulmonary Hypertension crises. These things where scary as heck and no one could tell us what they where or what to do about them. Finally, Julie was able to video one and send it to CHOP.  We had no idea this one video would rock our world and almost break our family up. (I guess it did for awhile but not forever)

Almost immediately we received a call saying we had to come to CHOP or they would not see us anymore. I was kinda pissed at hearing this news. I needed to work to support my family and no one else had been concerned about these episodes before so who does this person think they are. We talk to them and explained the we lived over 530 miles away and could not just come right up. (plus we did have other kids that needed to be watched)

So, on that fateful day June 1, 2011, we made the long trip to Philadelphia, where we made lots of friends and spent over 3 years of our lives. Looking back on the past is always hard. The "if only" always get in my head. I always have to tell myself you can only make a decision once then you have to live with it. I am not saying I would have changed a lot of what we did but you can't help but thing how things could have turned out different.

I guess the big thing to remember is love the ones you love today because tomorrow my never come. It sucks losing Weston but know we did the best we could help us with the pain. CHOP will always hold a special place in my heart, along with all our friend and adopted families. As I think about moving on with my life I just want to say I Love You Weston. As always Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK

Fun With the Family

Fun With The Family

Today is Memorial Day, a day to remember the ones who gave their all for our country.  It is also a day most people spend with their family, grill out, play games, just spend time with family, etc..... On Saturday, we placed flags on the graves at our local VA hospital, with all the local Boy Scout Troops. How amazing it was to see so many youths doing a good deed and showing respect for our fallen warriors. I was so blessed to be ask to help. 

Today, we are hanging out at the house we built a fire pit. We went to Lowe's and got the parts and worked on it this afternoon. Now, as I write this we are sitting around the fire and waiting to cook hot dogs. This has been a fun weekend filled with lots of family time. In the back of my mind I am reminded that the family is not complete. We are and will always be a family incomplete. 

At the ceremony they played Taps before we placed the American Flags, this always reminds me of Weston's service. It reminds me of all the people who have gone on and all we can do is remember the ones we lost. We were able to place an American flag on my grandfather's grave as well. It was nice to be able to tell the kids stories about him and they could relate to it just a little more.

So, as you go about your Memorial Day and the following days, I hope you remember the ones who gave their all. Also spend a little time with your family, you never know when you will speak your last to the ones you love. Weston will always warm my heart and break it at the same time. If you have kids remember hold them extra tight and don't let go. Above all remember Hang on, Hang in, and Don't quit.

AK